I meant to post this yesterday. I had written it all out, told myself I’d put the tags in later, and naturally forgot. IDC, least of my worries lately!
From Thursday, July 21:
All I want to do is love my family, love my chicken farming, love my job, and all in all, love my life.
And I do. But that’s all I want to do. And instead my happy life has been filled with sporadic tragedies and bad news over the past, what, two weeks? Is that really how long it takes for life to get fucked?
It seems that so many people, rather people I see often (a few times per week) or dear family members, have recently received very unfortunate news and are under a ton of stress. As life is always crazy, I spent the first few days of the week going to appointments, having meetings, working extra, staying up late, and trying to juggle life. In other words, I was already feeling overwhelmed. Then I found out some bad test results today and ended up dealing with medical issues from 9:30am to 7:30pm. I was sent to the hospital and I was told some things that were hard to wrap my head around, such as how I could die — and quickly — if things went wrong. I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat until they ruled out emergency surgery.
The best case scenario, which is thankfully what happened in the end, is still something I had hoped to never deal with in my life. Now I’m at home, and more-or-less safe (small risk still), shortly cured, and my fuck, I just want to carry on with my happy life.
Shakur, Whitetail’s baby, passed away. It appears he was eaten, in the barn, by a small mammal. Sweetpea is missing, and it is completely unlike her to leave her baby (chicken) alone. Dinner is missing. Tonight I discovered HENRI IS MISSING.
I did have 27 things (I counted) on my to-do list for my work week. That naturally got fucked as I worked for a whopping 45 minutes today before being sent back to the doctor to get my results. I am very grateful that my work is so understanding; instead of getting any argument whatsoever about me leaving (at that point I was told I needed to hear my results in person and didn’t know what it entailed), my boss suggested I clear my husband’s day so he could come with me.
My son missed his soccer practice today. I didn’t have the number of his coach to even let him know. My son’s best friend’s mum has been texting me about a play date and I didn’t get back to her until after her son was already at my house (thankfully arranged by my mom, who was caring for Mason during my medical anti-adventures). My son is super awesome and considerate and not remotely mad that I’ve been preoccupied, but I still feel guilty. He’s out of school for the summer, it’s the time for adventures! He did have a grand adventure already when he visited relatives for a week, but that wasn’t with me. He had a great time when I was at my one doctor’s appointment on Tuesday because he ended up hunting Pokemon with his uncle in the forest behind the barn. I just want some adventures with him.
I haven’t had time to pick up the darling silkie/cochin mixes that I want so badly. Now I am afraid that Chicken Farmer Christine is going to think I’m a flake and no longer approach me with offers of premium chickens! She was actually offering them for free, but clearly I’ll give her some money because my haggling skills leave a lot to be desired.
It’s just too much negativity for this Pet Poultry Happy Farm (that’s my official farm name; it became official a week ago when I ordered business cards). I’m trying to grasp positive things and not let go.
So for the next bit I am on a big time mission to be happy and see the silver lining in everything and I am forbidding myself to feel sad (or overwhelmed if I can help it!). People have asked me how can I be so happy, how can I shrug things off, how can I expose myself to awful realities of life and not allow someone else’s trauma to affect me? It is my way of getting through life, because I feel aware of the injustices and evil in this world I purposely focus on happy things to counteract that. It’s called counting your blessings and it is one of our household rules.
And thankfully I have my husband, who was absolutely amazing today and the best husband around. I know he’ll help keep me on track. ❤