Hard Cocks to Suck

Perhaps now would be a good time to put it out there that though I’m generally very sweet and I absolutely adore animals and I always want to help people too… aaand despite all that, I can be super offensive at times.  I have a bad mouth.  I say FUCK a lot and I even say it in front of kids.

Not only will this post be laced with swearing, as generally most of my posts are (the title is especially bold, tho’), but there are also a few sad animal things.  I’ve thrown in some warnings because I understand if people don’t want to read sad things.  I’m just having to adjust to these harsh realities as a chicken farmer.

I saw my first real cockfight on Sunday.  The landlord’s owner brought me over this adorable brown, black, and fancy-feathered chicken to add to the flock.  The chicken was very friendly and I was able to hold it for a while.

HERE’S WHERE IT GETS A BIT SAD.
I say “it” because the landlord’s uncle thought it was a hen and I was a bit skeptical and, well, the cocks determined that it was a fellow cock very quickly, and an unwanted cock at that.

I tried to separate them for a while, and new-cock ran away for a bit after being chased by Lonely Chicken, Curly, and Houdini (the three cocks who hang with the hens).  The Lonely Chicken especially was hating on new-cock.

But new-cock wouldn’t let it go and he kept venturing back to the barn and him and Lonely Chicken got into an epic fight that I didn’t know how to handle whatsoever so I just took a video until I got a man to separate the fight.  Both roosters were panting up a storm after the fight and I love Lonely Chicken, he is my favourite pet cock, and he already had a big chunk of his crown ripped off by a previous alpha male Snowball (RIP; allegedly a flying squirrel got him after he was separated for fighting Lonely Chicken).

Houdini decided no fucking way was new-cock welcome at the barn so the situation just kept fucking escalating meanwhile I’m trying to just clean the chickenshit out from the aisles while trying to stay out of the actual landlord’s way…

I’m going to tell a little side story here, which is EQUALLY SAD ABOUT ANIMALS SO YOU CAN CONTINUE SKIPPING UNTIL I TELL YOU IT’S SAFE, SENSITIVE ANIMAL-LOVERS!

Last weekend the landlord had a big party, which I later realized to be a sheep roast, and he mentioned to me that he was hoping to get some lambs which would be raised and slaughtered as adults.  I was a little mortified.

He ended up getting the lambs the next weekend and slaughtering them on the spot.  I think it might have been because I objected to taking care of meat animals (I have agreed to take care of meat chickens, though, because they’re so hormone-ridden and challenged that they have no idea what’s going on).

I didn’t know he was planning on immediately slaughtering them.  I walked up on Sunday, happily caring for my dear chickens, noticing a few cars at the barn.  When I heard people I went over to the other section (the barn has like 4 sections that you can independently do things in) to announce my presence.  The four or five males seemed a little awkward.  The dialogue went something like this:
“Hi there!  I wanted to let you know I’m here caring for the chickens, just so I didn’t startle you!”
They smiled, a little nervously/awkwardly.  “Oh, uh, thank you.”
“I collected the eggs from today and I still have some left over from yesterday so I washed them and put them in a bag for you, I’ll leave them over by your car.”
More smiles, a few looks exchanged amongst each other.  “That’s kind of you, thanks.”
I should have left, but well, if you know me, you know me and I couldn’t help myself.
I asked:  “Did you end up getting lambs?  Do you have them now?”
… “yes…” …
!!! “Would you mind if I played with them?!?”
At that point they were impatient for me to leave.  “Um, I’m sorry, but this isn’t a good time,” and something about how they’d prefer I didn’t disturb them and “maybe later.”

They slaughtered the lambs.  The man later apologized, doing that awkward smile that I’ve done so many times myself that offends people.  I wondered if he was truly awkwardly breaking the news to me or instead a wee bit amused that I was such a sensitive chicken farmer.

v QUICK HAPPY THING TO READ v

Later on he asked me if I would be interested in caring for a horse instead.

I said yes, even though I believe I am allergic to horses.

BACK TO SAD THINGS

So Houdini and new-cock were at it bad and another elderly man with the landlord’s uncle (the other elderly man is likely also related but I’m struggling to figure out who’s who because I suck with human names and faces, I can only remember animals) picked up new-cock and asked me, Chicken Farmer Alixandra who now has a legitimate opinion on chicken caring, if I thought it was a cock or a hen.
“I’m pretty sure it’s a rooster.  Lonely Chicken and Houdini [yes I called them by their names] seemed convinced.  This one’s tail looks more like a rooster than a hen to me.  And what about these claws here?”
The uncle was like, no, it’s a hen, but the other elderly man shook his head and said, no, it was definitely a cock.  I think they might have had a quick debate in a different language.
“I had six chicks and I culled the five roosters.  I thought it was a hen.  I guess I will have to get rid of it too.”
I panicked.  “Wait, what?  You’re going to kill him!?!”
The man expertly holding the chicken said yes.  We have too many boys.  Unless I want him?  Unless I can do something with him?
And the super sad thing was… I couldn’t.  Not without worrying about my original five pet cocks (Lonely Chicken, Houdini, Curly, Patches, & Flattop) and even with my 16 hens the ratio is still skewed to the point where Flattop is bloody and banished and spends a lot of his time crying and it breaks my fucking heart and I’m looking for more hens to try to solve that problem.  I couldn’t, couldn’t bring in another cock.  It was going to end very badly.

So the two older men took away the new cock, with his lovely brown and black colouring and fancy tail feathers, and he met the same fate as the lambs.

I think I did the right thing.  I hope I did.  I’m trying very hard.

AND THIS STORY ENDS WITH HAPPINESS

So I still have my 21 chickens — I’m very impressed that none of them have been eaten by predators or accidentally capped themselves/got lost in the forest — and I won’t be looking after meat-sheep and I might get a horse.

Tomorrow I’d really like to spend a few hours at the barn and the hens have been up to some pretty cute things that I’d like to post here (I have pictures!).  This is unfortunately an image-less entry but I’m too eager to go to bed and wake up to my chickens tomorrow to devote more time to it.

GOODNIGHT.

 

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